Looking back to the spring of 2016, I vividly recall our initial 'interview.' In those pre-virtual therapy days, finding a therapist was a challenge, particularly as a fellow therapist. I explored various options, but something about our connection resonated with me. Little did we know the journey we were embarking on—the changes, the growth, and the relationship breakdown.
You've been more than a clinical support; our sessions have been a sanctuary where I felt truly safe. It took time for me to embrace vulnerability, as you may remember from our earliest conversations. Tears were often mistaken for vulnerability, but true vulnerability, the kind that exposes deep, shame-invoking truths, took five years to surface. The first real moment was during a phone session when eye contact felt unbearable as I shared something I'd never acknowledged aloud.
Over eight years, I've entrusted you with my deepest, most disturbing truths. However, our last session left me in unexpected turmoil. I had hoped for a follow-up to debrief and unpack the intense emotions stirred, but silence prevailed. The words, "I don't think I'll be able to help you out with this one, Natalie," echoed, leaving me hurt and confused.
The depth of betrayal I feel is indescribable. The silence speaks volumes, and the emotional harm inflicted is beyond what I thought possible. It seems you couldn't set aside your core beliefs, creating a profound rupture. It's ironic—what therapists are cautioned against is precisely what unfolded in our dynamic.
As I reflect, certain statements from the past come to mind, like the one about my marriage. Your remark about "middle eastern men" clouded my perspective, impacting my ability to understand my husband. Fortunately, breaking through that perception allowed us to build a genuine, trusting partnership. I feel his love every day, and I hope he feels mine.
Our journey has been complex, filled with highs and unexpected lows. Now, as I navigate the aftermath of our last session, I can't help but wonder about the true nature of our therapeutic alliance. I felt compelled to share my current emotional landscape with you because authenticity and transparency are key values for me. Putting these feelings into words has been a therapeutic process for myself, though ideally, I'd have hoped for you to initiate this conversation. Have you had a chance to reflect on our recent session?
I don't anticipate a response, but I genuinely wish I knew if you still stand by your assertion that what you said was therapeutic. "If you make false statements, I'll interrupt you, and that's therapeutic"—those words linger in my mind. The subsequent, "What did you want to talk about?" was delivered with a tone that urged caution in expressing my pain. It hit me like a proverbial slap in the face. I genuinely wish you never have to go through something like this. Take care.
Natalie
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